10 Things I’ve Learned in 10 years of Marriage

Today, Preston and I are celebrating 10 years of marriage. In the last month, my parents celebrated 40 years of marriage, and my sister and her husband celebrated 25 years. As we have all approached and celebrated these big milestones, I have spent some time reflecting on marriage. I don’t feel like I’m old enough to have been married for ten years, and I know we still have sooo much to learn, so I am not claiming to be an expert. I love to learn and like to consider myself a student in all areas of life, so here are 10 things I’ve learned in the first ten years of marriage:

1- Marriage is like a mirror.

I had no idea how selfish I truly was until I got married. Marriage is like holding up a mirror and truly seeing your selfish nature for the first time. When you are seeking to honor your spouse above yourself, it reveals all the ways you are constantly thinking about yourself and your own needs. Marriage (along with motherhood) has been a tool used for my sanctification.

​2- Marriage is fun.

I’ve never laughed as hard or as often with another human being as I have with Preston Bell. We learned a long time ago that in marriage as well as life, laughter is the best medicine. We try not to take ourselves too seriously and always give each other the benefit of the doubt. The other night, we laughed so hard we were bent over with tears down our faces over something really silly.

3- Marriage is dynamic.

​I’ve learned that our marriage will reflect the season of life we are in. This used to worry me, but through the years I’ve learned to expect it and to roll with it. Some seasons are busier than others. Right now, with a 6-month-old, Preston and I aren’t going on weekly date nights. What’s important is that we find ways to connect even in the busy seasons.

​4- Marriage is about the long game.

In a world that idolizes quick results and instant gratification, marriage is different - it’s about the long game. It’s showing up again, forgiving again, learning again, asking again, reminding again. It is a marathon, not a sprint. This type of commitment is counter-cultural. It takes work, and it takes help from the Holy Spirit.

5- Marriage requires teamwork.

We have a saying at our house: we’re “group partners for life.” It comes from a time when we had a disagreement on a project we were working on (as I reflect, I can’t even remember what it was). I remember sharply disagreeing with Preston over how something should be done. He said, “Just think of this as a group project.” I responded, “If I were doing a group project, I wouldn’t pick you for my group.” To which he said, “Well, too bad, you’re stuck with me. We’re group partners for life.” This busted my bubble of anger, and I fell out laughing. He was right. We had chosen each other; we might as well learn how to work together and to enjoy it. Teamwork is essential in marriage. Over the years, I’ve truly grown to appreciate my group partner for life. When one of us is down, the other picks up the slack. Having Preston as my partner on life’s journeys is one of my life’s greatest blessings.

6- Marriage makes you moldable.

If you let it. As we’ve grown over the years, our marriage has helped me realize how much I need God and the work of His Spirit in my life. Our marriage constantly pushes me to prayer and to the scriptures. I want to constantly be growing as a person and together as a couple. Quickly forgiving each other and expanding in love for one another. This marriage relationship has made me stronger in all of my other relationships as well. I’m a better mom, better daughter, better friend, and better leader when I allow my marriage to mold and shape me to become more like Christ.

7 - Marriage requires effort.

Life happens. Schedules get busy. We’ve often looked up, and one of us has asked, “Wait, when was the last time we really talked?” It is so easy to drift apart, busying ourselves with the day-to-day tasks. We have a pattern of asking each other for a “State of the Marriage”. Think state of the union, but in marriage. We ask, “How do we think our marriage is going? What has been going well? Where do we need to improve?” We often do this during an extended drive or a quiet evening at home. We’ve found this has been a good practice to check up on our marriage and create a space that welcomes open dialogue. These conversations aren’t always easy, but they are always worth it.

8- Marriage is best in community.

It is incredibly important to have other couples around us who are also seeking to build a marriage that honors God. Just as our faith is not meant to be isolated, neither is our marriage. We want to do life with those God has placed around us, allowing others to encourage us and to call us out when we need it.

9- Marriage pushes me to prayer.

I pray for Preston more than I pray for anyone else. Some days, it is my joy and privilege to intercede for him. Other times, I pray through gritted teeth because I’m disappointed or angry. I’m thankful that the state of my emotions doesn’t impact the way my prayers are received. I keep showing up before God, praying for my husband and praying for our relationship, because I truly believe that the Father hears and responds.

10- Marriage is a gift.

God chose marriage as the relationship to reflect his relationship with the church. In the day-to-day, it is hard to keep the sacredness of marriage in our minds. When I see marriage as more than an obligation, but instead as a true gift from God, it changes my perspective. It becomes a joy, even in the midst of hard seasons.

Today, we are celebrating! I hope that ten years is just the beginning. My desire is to keep growing and surrendering our marriage to Jesus over and over again, asking Him to use it to help make us more like Him and to put His love on display.